Marx and Cthulu on Money: The Pilot
Karl Marx: Guten Tag. Welcome to Marx and Cthulu on Money, a lively program of light podiumsdiskussionen on economic philosophy and the unspeakable dread of capitalism. This isn't the official start of the series, just a test run for our production crew.

Steve Jobs: I must say this show certainly is thinking differently.

Marx: How very 90s of you, sir. Damen und Herren, may I introduce Steve Jobs, sitting in for Herr Cthulu, who was unable to manifest himself this evening.

Jobs: Glad to be here Karl.

Marx: Herr Jobs is making his first appearance since stepping down -

Jobs: Ahem, it's merely a temporary -

Marx: My apologies - since taking a medical leave from his CEO position at Apple after being afflicted with a mysterious wasting disease.

Jobs: Merely a hormone deficiency.

Marx: I think Charles Dexter Ward had a similar problem. Anyway, Steve - may I call you Steve?

Jobs: Sure.

Marx: Steve has agreed to sit in for a brief conversation on the economic impact of technology which migrates hard copy communication products into semi-abstract digital files.

Jobs: Ah yes, the effects of transmigration from the physical to the corporeal. My family has studied this for several generations, dating back to some ancestors who were rumored to be sorcerers.

Marx: Really.

Jobs: Uh...just providing some diverting personal information.

Marx: Quite good. Now, in exchange for Steve graciously interrupting his medical hiatus, we agreed to let him present an upcoming Apple product which he was working on when he took ill.

Jobs: Yes, and I must say we're all deeply excited about it.

Marx: Well, don't keep us on tenterhooks, Steve - what is it?

Jobs: [pulling out a small white cube] The iShuggoth. [sets on the table] Isn't it marvelous? Heh heh heh ah heh [starts to wheeze, pulls out a handkerchief and coughs thickly into it]

[pause]

Marx: Um, so what does it do?

Jobs: Everything. Well, within certain parameters.

Marx: Could you be more specific?

Jobs: It is a creature of multipurpose hyperpliable ectoplasm summoned from the outer realms, with an easy to use incantation interface which can be run through any computer with a USB port.

Marx: Faszinieren.

Jobs: We're working on a bluetooth remote version.

Marx: But to what purpose...

Jobs: Oh, it can generate limbs which perform just about every menial task in addition to some higher ones. [he pushes a click wheel inscribed with arcane symbols and the cube sprouts rudimentary legs and arms] It's fully compatible with most data programs including excel, so it can put your actual receipts in a file while calculating them in a spreadsheet.

Marx: My word.

Jobs: The iShuggoth can generate an ultra-sympathetic larynx which can reproduce any sound within the range of human hearing.

[he pushes the click wheel. several mouths appear on the cube. they produce moans which quickly resolve into "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. as the music continues, the cube begins to dance around, the limbs having formed feet and hands]

Marx: But if the iShuggoth is able to provide all menial and creative labor, how will this impact users?

Jobs: I expect there will be a significant drop off in sales as humanity becomes redundant, yes, at least until society recalibrates within a more, ah, cultish paradigm.

Marx: I see. How are Apple stockholders expected to respond to that?

Jobs: Well, the interests of the company come first, which is why the release of the iShuggoth is still quite some time away. We have to engage in a brand new portfolio restructuring strategy before these things get anywhere near the market.

[the music from the cube gets louder as it dances more franticly.]

Marx: So this won't be out for next Christmas.

Jobs: Oh no. Not at all. Still in prototype stage. [raises voice] We still haven't worked through all the bugs in the infrastructure.

iShuggoth: [screaming] Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li! [it seizes onto Steve's arm, mouths snapping]

Jobs: DAMMNIT.

[he pulls out a round polished stone engraved with a branch like sign and smashes it into the cube, which utters an shriek and bursts into blue flame]

[pause]

Marx: Ja, that seems a little less than store ready.

Jobs: [wheezing] Yes. We, um, ah, god [dabs at blood on his arm with his handkerchief, then coughs into it] I just, thought I'd give a peek so you know Apple is still at the forefront of development.

Marx: And the competition?

Jobs: Oh please, like Gates could get anything like this from the Children of Yig.

Marx: Interesting, well I'm afraid we're out of time.

Jobs: But we didn't get to transmig-

Marx: I think this counts as an object lesson. Thank you Steve Jobs. This is Karl Marx, hoping you enjoyed this initial venture and you'll join us for next weeks premier of Marx and Cthulu on Money. Auf Wiedersehen.